The big picture. [04 Dec 2004|10:14pm] [ mood | calm ] The “big picture” Just what is it? Why are we here? A few days ago I left early for work, I had a little time to spare before I started so I went for a little walk. I took the opportunity to have a little chat with Janna, I often do this when I’m a little down. It was nice, although I was a little upset. Everyone else I know is getting on with there lives…..looking forward to Christmas, being happy. Most of the time I’m ok, just every now and again I close up, shut everyone out and just fall inside myself. I even push my partner away sometimes. *sigh* which is the last thing I want to do. I sometimes wish I was invisible, that the world would just keep one moving and everyone would forget about me. I know I have upset my friends as well. I don’t understand, and its impossible to explain in words what’s in my head. Maybe I distance myself from others so I don’t upset them, maybe.....maybe I’m on a sinking ship and I don’t want anyone else to go down with me. Maybe I’m just going mad. I know I find happiness with lea, but that’s about the only thing I’m sure of. I want to find “the big picture” I have so many questions which are impossible to answer. Heaven is a place nearby So I won’t be so far away. And if you try and look for me Maybe you’ll find me someday. Heaven is a place nearby So there’s no need to say goodbye I wanna ask you not to cry I’ll always be by your side. You just faded away You spread your wings you had flown Away to something unknown Wish I could bring you back. You’re always on my mind About to tear myself apart. You have your special place in my heart. Lea found this song for me….Its really nice. I like it lots. This will be my last post in this journal. I really don’t use the internet anymore, I had over a hundred un-opened emails in my in box. I’m not sure what’s round the corner, I just hope that everyone I care about are ok, and that lea stays by me through this difficult time. I will try to be more open with you lea in the future. I’m sorry I appear cold sometimes. Bye all. Merry Christmas. Janna really loved this time of year, I hope they have Christmas in heaven. lol, i guess it would be weird if they didn't. 1 comment|post comment

[13 Nov 2004|06:16pm] In my hands A legacy of memories I can hear you say my name I can almost see your smile Feel the warmth of your embrace But there is nothing but silence now Around the one I loved Is this our farewell? Sweet darling you worry too much, my child See the sadness in your eyes You are not alone in life Although you might think that you are Never thought This day would come so soon We had no time to say goodbye How can the world just carry on? I feel so lost when you are not by my side But there's nothing but silence now Around the one I loved Is this our farewell? So sorry your world is tumbling down I will watch you through these nights Rest your head and go to sleep Because my child, this not our farewell. This is not our farewell. 5 comments|post comment

all alone :( [13 Nov 2004|04:46pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Nightwish ] Lea is over the hills and far away . It’s the first day I’ve been alone for ages. Lea is spending the weekend at her parents back in Wigan. Missing her lots and lots. Did a little more painting today, the idea was to finish my bedroom while Lea was home, well…..its nearly done, I didn’t fancy doing the ceiling though, maybe next week lol. There are so many things I have to write about in my journal, some good, some not so. Will have to do a long update soon. Have been full of cold this last week and I’m working crazy long hours at work as well. Over the hills and far away, he swears he will return one day. Far from the mountains and the seas, back in her arms he swears he'll be. Over the hills and far away. 5 comments|post comment

Lea updating for stu... [12 Nov 2004|05:27am] Lea here.. just telling people Stuart has a new layout :p 1 comment|post comment

For Lea ;) [28 Oct 2004|01:47pm] [ mood | peaceful ] Oh, why you look so sad? The tears are in your eyes Come on and come to me now But don't, be ashamed to cry, let me see you through 'Cause I've been in the dark side too When the night falls on you, and you don't know what to do Nothing you confess, could make me love you less I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you So, if you're mad, get mad, don't hold it a I'll inside Come on and talk to me now Hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too Well, I'm a lot like you When you're standing At the crossroads, but don't know, which path to choose Let me come along, 'cause even if you're wrong I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you Take me in to, your darkest hour And I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you And when, when the night falls on you, baby You're feeling aI'll alone, you won't be on your own I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you Take me in to, your darkest hour And I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you Won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you 2 comments|post comment

At last i updated. [21 Oct 2004|08:40pm] [ mood | calm ] Its funny how I never seem to find time these days for updating my journal. I keep meaning to right a little, just can’t find the words. I guess my mind has been a little busy of late, I really should try and share my problems/feelings more, especially with Lea. Away, work is going ok at the moment, not much left to do this year now, another month and I’ll be finished until January. All the pets are fine, had to take Ben my dog to the vets today but he’s ok. Will be spending the weekend in Wigan at Lea’s which will be nice, we haven’t been there in ages. One last thing….Its on my mind a little, how much Janna loved Christmas. This year will be the first Christmas in six years without her. Lea is so excited about Christmas…I’m just a little worried I might spoil it for her, maybe I should keep out of the way, I’m not really sure how I’ll be feeling yet. I’ve not written in ages, I miss writing. Should update more often. 1 comment|post comment

[05 Oct 2004|12:26pm] [ mood | calm ] "There's this wonderful quote from [Paul Bowles' 1949 novel] The Sheltering Sky [paraphrasing]: "Because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well, and yet everything happens only a certain number of times . How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood that is so deeply a part of your being you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more? Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps, twenty. And yet it all seems limitless." I know that's kind of a roundabout way of talking about it. But you tend to take a great deal for granted, because you feel like you're going to live forever. It's only if you lose a friend, or maybe have a near-death experience, [that] many events and people in your life suddenly attain real significance." post comment

Holy Wars... [25 Sep 2004|10:40pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | Megadeth ] Brother will kill brother Spilling blood across the land Killing for religion Something I don't understand. Fools like me who cross the sea And come to foreign lands Ask the sheep, for their beliefs Do you kill on God's command? A country that's divided Surely will not stand My past erased, no more disgrace No foolish naive stand. The end is near, it's crystal clear Part of the master plan Don't look now to Israel It might be your homelands. Holy wars Upon my podium, as the Know it all scholar Down in my seat of judgment Gavel's bang, uphold the law Up on my soapbox, a leader Out to change the world Down in my pulpit as the Holier-than-thou-could-be messenger of God A few days ago i found a link from AOL.....It showed the beheading of the american engineer Eugene Armstrong, The image was sickening, Why i felt i needed to watch it i don't really know....what worries me is how easily i found it, right there on the front page of AOL. Never before have i witnessed such an act of pure evil. The man behind it....Abu Musab al-Zarqawi from Jordan. How he hopes to influence western leaders by such barbaric acts is beyond me. Something that has really pissed me off is our own press. They seem to blame both the prime minister and the US president for there lack of action. This is so wrong, if anyone should take the blame its the press themselves for giving such shitheads the coverage there looking for in the first place. i really don't believe this has anything at all to do with releasing a few prisoners.....These fuckheads just like killing. My heart goes out to the families and friends of Eugene Armstrong, Jack Hensley and Ken Bigley. May God give you the strength to help you through these most difficult of times. What can be done...get out of Iraq, our armed forces, doctors, aid workers and anyone else. I know there are many people in iraq that need our help....but at what cost? post comment

Stuart and fred :) [21 Sep 2004|09:46pm] The good looking one is fred :) post comment

Billy Nibbles [21 Sep 2004|09:33pm] [ mood | cheerful ] One day away from my new spider and what do i do ? Yep.......Billy Nibbles. the new arrival to my home. Theres so many pets in here now....they out number us humans. Think animal farm lol. to date i have one hamster Nitro Two spiders Herbert and the yet un-named goliath Billy Nibbles the rat fred the gecko And last but not least ben the dog and willow the kitty (the boss) 3 comments|post comment

[20 Sep 2004|02:18pm] [ mood | awake ] I'm a little spider watch me spin If you'll be my dinner I'll let you come in Then I'll spin a web to hold you tight And gobble you up in one big bite! A few weeks have passed now since i lost little Whitby :( I decided to have another go so i just ordered another Goliath Bird ( Theraphosa blondi) eating spider today. Hope i have better look this time :) Lea is feeling much better now, Still a little TLC needed i think. Im glad she's ok, i did worry a little after the doctors. Thinking about buying a Rat for lea aswell, she has wanted one for a while, would make a nice snack for my Goliath. post comment

Worried Much [07 Sep 2004|09:39am] [ mood | worried ] [ music | Within Temptation :-Live :) ] I spent the night alone last night worried about lea....i didnt sleep very well at all. I hope that she's ok. We arrived at LGI (leeds general infirmary) at seven yesterday morning, it was much later, about dinner time when lea was wheeled away by the nurse. She wasn't long however which was good, they brought her back about an hour later, all sleepy she was, and very cute. Just a little snappy thought....nothing new there :p. The plan was after a little rest to head home but there was a complication :( Lea's blood tested a little anemic, they gave her some iron tablets, we just have to wait for a blood test now. I should be able to bring her home today...i hope. Then a few weeks of rest and plenty of TLC, lea should be much better. Maybe now lea would be a good time to start eating propper...... I'd just like to say over the last few weeks all the staff at the clinic and at LGI have been very supportive, and not in the least judgmental which i thought they might be. Thank you all. Well after a few hours sleep it's time i went back to leeds, Can't wait to see lea...hope she's feeling better. 1 comment|post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]